The difference between guilt and shame, and why it matters….
Guilt and shame are two very different things, but people often confuse the two concepts. Understanding the difference between guilt and shame is especially important for people struggling with low self-esteem, and what’s often referred to as “self-sabotaging” behaviors. This post will explain the difference between the two concepts and offer some suggestions for people who are struggling with being “shame based." I hope that having some clarity on this topic will help you feel more compassion for yourself as you progress on your healing journey.
What is guilt? Guilt is a natural response to doing something, either accidentally or on purpose, that goes against our inner values. Guilt is generated internally and is a signal from our conscience for us to change our behavior. On a deep level, it’s a survival mechanism that helps us assimilate into society and keeps us safe. When we do something that we know is wrong, we feel bad about it. The guilt we feel is intended to teach us to change our behavior. We feel guilty about what we did, and hopefully learn not to repeat it, so we won’t feel bad about it again in the future. It’s the behavior that we feel bad about, and it’s correctable. We learn and change and feel closer to others as a result.
So, what is shame? Shame is a social construct, not a natural feeling. It happens on both an individual and a larger societal level. Shame is initially generated externally, as a means of control, but it can become internalized and incorporated into a person’s sense of self as a core belief. Shame doesn’t tell us what we did was bad, it tells us who we are is bad. Shame is about the person, not the behavior and it’s dangerous because unlike a behavior, you can’t change the person. A person who is shame based can change their behaviors, but they still feel bad about themselves. Shame separates us from others.
In childhood, shaming can happen in multiple ways. Young children are often made to feel ashamed unintentionally, by a caregiver who is trying to control their behavior. I say unintentionally because it isn’t usually the caregiver’s intention to create a shame-based child, even though they’re using shaming as a way to control the child’s behavior or as a way to alleviate their own feelings. Ultimately, regardless of the intention, the child feels criticized, belittled and judged, and their interpretation of the situation is that there is something wrong with them.
Another, too common dynamic that can lead to shaming is “the blame game.” This occurs in environments where people don’t take responsibility for their own actions and feelings, and instead blame others for them. In families that play the blame game, children internalize the belief that they are responsible for other peoples’ feelings. They inevitably can’t please everyone around them, so they form the belief that they aren’t good enough. This can lead to extremes of perfectionism, or of giving up because ultimately, no matter how hard they try, they don’t feel better. A cycle of vacillating between these two extremes is also common.
Perfectionists can become successful due to their thoroughness, attention to detail and constantly planning to cover all contingencies. But perfectionism can be exhausting mentally and physically, and it creates problems in relationships when the perfectionist comes across as critical, judgmental and distant. And no matter how hard they work, the perfectionist will never be satisfied because things will never be perfect.
People who “self-sabotage” often stop themselves from achieving their goals because deep down they don’t believe they deserve them. Very often they’re not even aware of that belief, because they’ve spent years trying to hide that feeling from the world and from themselves. They may believe they are lazy because they don’t even try. Or they may work toward their goals, but give up or do something that sabotages the process before they achieve them. These “failures” reinforce the belief that there is something wrong with them, but that’s not true. In reality, there’s something wrong with their belief about themselves. Unfortunately, the faulty belief can become so ingrained that it’s difficult for them to believe otherwise.
So, what do you do if you are “shame based”? Shame based is a term used to describe when someone believes that at their core, they just aren’t good enough. It creates difficulties with self-esteem and relationships, and it stops people from achieving their goals and enjoying their lives. Here are 5 things you can do to help become less shame based:
Be aware: Ask yourself if what you’re feeling is guilt or shame. If you’re feeling guilt; apologize, change your behavior and allow yourself to move forward. If you’re feeling shame; be willing to consider that your core beliefs about yourself might not be true. Keep in mind that each person is responsible for their own feelings. Life is much simpler when you take responsibility for your own actions and feelings, and let other people take responsibility for theirs.
Remember that feelings aren’t facts. Start looking for evidence that your belief about your self-worth might not be true by taking your “self” out of the equation. Consider the context and ask yourself if you would be this critical of another person in the same situation.
Be kind: Do something nice for yourself, something that makes you feel nurtured. It doesn’t need to take a lot of time or cost a lot of money, just take a few minutes to do something that makes you feel good. You could take a walk, have a cup of tea, cuddle with your pets, anything that gives you a few minutes of peace and contentment. Allow yourself to bask in that good feeling while you’re doing it.
Journal: Write a list of facts that counter your belief that you aren’t worthy or good enough. Focus on your good qualities, behaviors, successes and intentions. Include positive things people say about you. Keep adding to the list whenever you “catch” yourself thinking, feeling or doing something positive. Refer back to the list often.
Be compassionate: You’ve been beating yourself (and possibly others) up for too long. Take a breath. Put things in context. Allow yourself to feel compassion for yourself as a child, who felt responsible for the world around them and came to the wrong conclusion about what was happening. If it feels safe to do, you can speak to or write a letter to yourself as a child through your eyes as a compassionate adult, describing how things would be different if you could have changed your situation. (*Note: Especially for people who have experienced childhood trauma, this exercise can bring up a lot of strong emotions and is recommended only if you have a safe support system around you.)
I hope this post helps you understand yourself and the people around you a little better and provides you with some insight and inspiration as you move forward on your healing journey. Please reach out on my contact page if you have any questions, I’d love to hear your thoughts and suggestions for future blog posts!